Rent a Family

Another feckin holiday. Another opportunity to cast back to years of family tradition, 14 people squeezed around the dining table, over done vegetables, cold turkey, minced tarts and 3 -hour clean up sessions. God I miss it.

Since my parents passed away 7 years ago, my family has mostly scattered. The traditions of Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter are long gone. I have tried with varying degrees of success to reinvent the holidays for my self and my son. Initially, I looked upon the challenge as a fresh start, with images of my favorite friends and family, clustered around my table, conversations tripping over each other and laughter ringing through the house. I don’t know who does the dishes but in this fantasy, it doesn’t matter. There isn’t a second of wasted air space, the good will and warm fuzzy feeling could be bottled and sold!

I have strong- armed a couple friends to come to my table with their families on previous holidays and it has been pretty great but unlike a real family, their commitment to the event can only be fleeting. You never get them on the actual day as they have their own family commitments, so you have to fudge that one. It’s makeshift, who are we kidding. Okay, I’m holding out. I could drive up north and force myself on one of my 80 odd cousins family dinners but the only thing more powerful than my whining is my profound laziness.

So, as I face another holiday dinner, I am licking my wounds and trying to nail down a more permanent solution for myself and my son. It’s not that his company isn’t enough, its just that as a parent of an only child, I feel it is vital that he experiences the joy, frustration, exhaustion and full on trauma that only a really great family holiday dinner can offer.

Surely, I can’t be the only one out there in this predicament. So what if we band together and rent ourselves out to families in need of a really good old fashioned stressful holiday dinner. Or we just commit to our own mock family.

With a little research and the proper casting, this could work. We meet 3 or 4 times a year on strategic celebrations. I’m throwing in a July 1st BBQ for good measure.

Wish list ;
-Must not be currently attached to any other family holiday get togethers
-Ideally, you are the one who is added on to other people’s family events
-Not too keen or well balanced, must come with well honed baggage
-It would be an advantage if you could be good at at least one dish that you can be counted on to supply every year
-Non-drinkers need not apply
-Need a carver, preferably male with a god complex but am willing to work around that
-Kids welcome, but no big dogs
-Elderly people are encouraged to apply, pick up and home delivery will be negotiated
-At least one member who is a know it all. Braggart could also do
-No need for a turkey skin hogger, we have that covered
-Couple with laborious vacation stories and pictures
-Perfectionist, control freak. Someone who will take over in the kitchen when things start to go south
-Someone who is able to hold Olympian grudges. Don’t disclose the grudge but make sure it simmers just under the surface so all other attendees are slightly on guard

That should cover it. Now, here is what I can bring to the table;

-Middle aged female, can cook but shouldn’t be depended on to lay out a great meal.
-Can be the laugh of the party if need be but also excels at being passive aggressive or just plain aggressive
- Able to fall asleep on the couch before and after dinner
-Willing to fly into a rage if anyone makes jokes about weight gain
-Will ensure she drinks more wine than the other guests but will also bring her own
-Will yawn and start to drift if the conversation turns to politics at any time
-Though will help with dishes, she won’t do a very good job so you may have to do them again after she leaves.
-Comes with a 14 year old boy complete with raging hormones
-Won’t tolerate any vacation pictures or family games. By that I mean board games not head games of course

If you fit the bill, let’s talk. You are only expected to show up at the scheduled events. No contact between holidays is encouraged beyond a quick face book like now and then. Oh, and no presents, this is all about the meal and only about the meal.
Happy Easter!