Karma Police

Who changed the rules for the Karma Police? After an emotional and financial pummeling of epic proportions, I have recently been forced to take a good long look at the inner workings of the Karma police. Gone are the days where O'Shaunessy and Reagan sat in a cruiser filled with Country Style Donut empties, waiting for their next shot of Bushmills.

Oh no,today's KP are a finely tuned swat team that spends their off hours bench pressing and catching up on cold cases just for shits and giggles.

Case in point. When I was in my twenties and indulged in damaging gossip, evil intentions or even mild bribery, my punishment fell into the area of a well placed zit on the eve of a date after a 4 month drought. At the time, yes this was beyond cruel but in retrospect not out of line. Today's KP have thrown down the gauntlet, even I dare to suggest are reading our minds.

So what are the boundaries? If you think an evil thought but don't say it out loud, shouldn't that be off limits? I've even tried prefacing my nagging thoughts with " Wouldn't it be awful if... ( fill in the blank something like Andrea got shingles)

And then there is the retroactive thing that has come into play. After an uncommonly peaceful run in the late 90's and early 2000's where I gave birth to my child, lived in a nice house and had a job I didn't hate, I was suddenly slammed in 2005 by the end of my marriage, relocation, unemployment and the death of both of my parents. Whah happen???

Well it seems a huge back log of my infractions had fallen behind a filing desk and when the KP was upgrading offices, they were discovered. Instead of saying bygones, they furiously scheduled overtime officers and went at it. So word of warning, if you are harbouring some bad behaviour and think the statute of limitations is up, think again. It's a whole new world out there baby and they have a quota!

Now it has been suggested to me that I should knuckle down and read as many positive thinking books as I can fit into my living room. Positive thinking, there's another dilemma. I try, I really try. I even read, Eckhart Tolle's " A New Earth" cover to cover with a minimum of impatient snorts. Don't even get me started on "The Secret" because try as I may the phrase BULLSHIT ALERT!! jumps in to block me if I dare approach it.

Anyway, I thought it was time to put a little effort into my thinking patterns so as I was driving one day recently, I plastered a big grin on my face and gamely thought to myself, " Isn't it a coincidence that my car is sputtering on the same day my cheque for the school trip bounced?" " That's kinda cute"

Unfortunately, try as I did, an even more persistent voice was rearing it's ugly head firmly saying, " You are so fucked"

So what is one to do? I am dialing it back for sure, it’s a start. Now when I pass a house in a suburban neighborhood with an Inukshuk in the yard, I resist the temptation to march up to the front door and tell the owners they didn't earn that energy.

I've started to look the other way when I get emails from people from distant locales such as Whitby or Mount Forest that sign off with a jaunty Ciao!

I’m not charging through yellow lights with as much gusto as I once did and I bite my tongue when the elderly lady in front of me at the Shoppers Drug Mart counter pays her bill by counting out pennies.

Guy decides to pay 3 months worth of bills at the banks cash machine? No biggy, I say.

So toss me a fricken break O'Shaunessy, I'm doing the best I can here or shall I say , can I top up your Bushmill?